why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize