he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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