I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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