mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
