i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize