The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
