Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
