I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
