Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
