Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
