he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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