I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
