Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
