brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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