Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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