dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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