Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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