I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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