Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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