before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
