yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
