why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
