Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
