I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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