So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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