i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
