brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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