he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
