My nipple is on Facebook.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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