the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Please, let me fuck your mom
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
