I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
