I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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