In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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