The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
