Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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