There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
