I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
