I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Who died my cat blue again?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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