The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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