she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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