Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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