I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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