I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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