Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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