are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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