I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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