I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
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I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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