We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
