Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
