I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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