have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
