Don't make out with my wife yet
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
