youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
