Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
