if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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