So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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