I faked an abortion last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
