I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
