The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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