I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
