i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
